Don't get me wrong, I'm not an aloof person - just the opposite. My feelings get hurt lots of times. I've always been that way since childhood. During adulthood, I went through a long spell where my feelings didn't get hurt. That changed when I moved to California and found myself "lost" so to speak at church and meeting new friends. I've always been the person who wants to be happy and cheerful all the time and if something goes wrong, fix it, forget it and move on. I don't have time to be sad or melancholy.
What brought up this subject was a blog post I read the other day here. A similar thing happened to me when I was in 8th grade. My group of friends stopped talking to me. I felt sad but that was life. The next year our family moved out to the country where I attended the local high school. I had a wonderful time in high school that totally wiped out all those 8th grade memories. Fast forward to my late 50's and it happened all over again with a group of church women. It took me awhile to realize what was happening as none of us were in junior high! My hurt is scabbed over for now and the only way it was going to stay that way was for me to find a different place of worship. But, it makes me sad that people can be hurtful to one another. Why? In our big, wide, international world of today, we still want to huddle in our little circles and exclude others. Very sad indeed.
Recently, I participated in a blog exchange where I had the chance to meet some ladies whereby we could talk about about mutual interests. Somehow, and don't ask me how, it didn't work. The exchange worked but that was it. Nothing....it bothered me and it still bothers me. It made me a bit hesitant to even comment on Ravelry for instance as to whether the other person would respond. But, the new friends I've met on Ravelry do respond and are very gracious indeed!
Sometimes, I think we judge others by their outward appearance. In blog land, we can judge others by the looks of their blogs. I have tried to make my blog interesting to all people and at the same time still share in what is me. It's sometimes a fine line as to not offend a reader i.e., discussing politics, religion or other touchy subjects. Like most people, I have my opinions but I'm not going to voice them in an inappropriate setting.
I've learned a few things in my later years. Here's what I have come up with:
1. I'm not going to waste my time with people who I don't like
2. I'm not fond of pious people
3. I'm not going to judge someone by how they look or speak
4. I'm going to treat others as how I would like to be treated
5. I'm going to avoid situations where I can get my feelings hurt
Maybe the above sounds a bit too harsh. But, honestly, why should I waste my time in chit chatting with someone who I have no desire to know? And, as for pious people, I feel bad for them as they think they are the only enlightened ones. This totally goes against all that their faith teaches.
Which brings me to judging others as to how they look or speak. Sometimes I have felt that I would like to wear a sign that says "I don't speak your language but I do know such and such and how to do such and such...." Do you see what I'm trying to say? I'm judged by how I look and speak.
One of our nearest and dearest friends are a couple who immigrated to America in the 60's. They don't share my faith but what we do share in friendship goes beyond any of that. They are such good hearted people who would do anything for anyone in need. And, they are not judgmental. This is what real friendship is about. Not being judgmental as to what faith you have or how you look or what language you speak.
Years ago my good friend told me a story about cookie baking. She was an expert and she said "do you think God will care if my cookies are perfectly baked?" I had to laugh as I feel the same way when I bake something; I want it to be perfect. But, in reality I'm far from perfect and will never be perfect. But, it would be nice to be remembered for being kind to others.
All is well in my world and I have so many things to be thankful for. I feel the lessons I learned at a later age will somehow help me to help others. Just be kind to one another.
With my best wishes,
Pat, I do not think that sounds harsh at all, in fact I take a very similar view on my life too. Life is busy and actually too short to worry about everyone on this planet, there are enough people out there to be friends with and enjoy each others company, seek out only like minded kind people I say xxx
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you have helped a lot of people already. It's not easy to write about these things but it helps to get things ijn perspective. Have a good week x
ReplyDeleteHi Pat. Your plan is sound. You may find number 5 a bit tricky, feelings can get hurt in the most unexpected ways but I am wishing you luck. Your blog is your blog and you should be allowed to talk about what you want, personal, political, or just about a nice flower you saw today. The most important thing is that you are comfortable with it. Those who don't like what you have to say can stay away. of share their opinion in a polite manner. Have a nice weekend. x
ReplyDeleteLovely post. I've often felt the same way. I'm a bit of an introvert and I don't find it easier to make friends. The situation you had as a child (and the blogger) also happened to me. It's a shame it still happens when we are adults! I love the list of five you have. I agree wholeheartedly. I wish I could be more outgoing and more willing to put myself out there. My husband is the type of person who can talk to anyone. I still worry what they will think of me, though I try really hard not too.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm babbling a bit but lovely post.
Doesn't sound at all harsh to me. I've spent a lot of my life trying to please people, and often found I had little or nothing in return. So I've stopped going overboard in the supporting others efforts and I'm working harder at supporting me. I'm a lot happier for it, and somehow I seem to have more (and better) friends too!
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself. You have a right to be happy and respected.
You are such a lovely lady, your warmth comes through in your writing. I try to never judge and always try to think that there's always another side to what you can see xx
ReplyDeleteYour five this week has certainly made me think. You would expect better from a circle of friends from Church, such a sad world that we live in these days. I totally agree with you we should kind to each other. Take care.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post Pat and I agree whole-heartedly. I no longer worry about what people think of me, I'm not responsible for them, only for me.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good post, we come across loads of different types of people in our lives, and if I am to be remembered I hope it would be because I was nice. It's an underrated word, but I would like people to be nice to me back.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, I can relate! I was never popular during my school years and had almost NO friends! Just hated school (I don't hate learning, just public school!) As an adult, I began to assert myself more, and have found some good friends, but often I get my feelings hurt when I feel like I am being snubbed or ignored. Our daughter is the epitome of me in high school, still, and she is 39. I am praying she finds some lovely new friends in Oregon and will finally feel like she belongs. As for church....you are going to the WRONG place! My goodness, if the members aren't loving and accepting and helpful, and well, Christ-like, then to them its just a social club and I wouldn't waste my time! But finding a good church is really hard. I will pray for you to be led to the perfect one. I will need the same prayers when we move in the fall. Be happy with who you are, an brush others off if they don't "get you." You don't have time for their nonsense either! Like I said before, I feel like you and I have made a connection. I would love to meet you one day!
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't sound harsh at all. Had similar situations through my life of being 'frozen out' as I didn't fit, it used to hurt and sometimes I think the worst situations stay with us and we can forget all the happier times. I always step away from situations where I feel I might get hurt, I'm with you on not wanting to waste time trying to be all things to all people. Stay just as you are:)
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ReplyDeleteYou sound like a warm and friendly person to me Pat and I enjoy reading your blog. It is sad when people are unkind to others as there is enough sadness in the world without adding to it. Your 5 sound practical and sensible. My philosophy is to try and make someone smile everyday.
ReplyDeletePat, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I've noticed as I get older (and wiser) I've developed a much thicker skin and I've also developed the ability to say NO ... a lot! Good post!
ReplyDeleteI don't think you sound harsh at all. It sounds to me as though you have had some really tough times - of which I can relate to - and you have learned and decided to leave the unpleasant people behind and concentrate on the lovely ones. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. After all, if you don't love yourself how terrible that would be. I am honoured to know you in blogland and to have you joining in Five On Friday. I may not always comment, but I am here and love to be in touch with you. I am on Ravelry and have a group there for the podcast and if you join in and comment, I will reply! Come and find me and link to me and I will find you in return. I am easy to find - lovemademyhome! - so I hope you will. Hugs and all good wishes to you for some lovely friends who are lucky enough to earn your friendship! Thank you for your support of Five On Friday, I so appreciate it!!! Have a great weekend! xx
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely, personal post! It's hard when people judge a book by its cover. I try and remind myself that those aren't the people I want to be friends with anyways though it still hurts, it's true. Thanks SO much for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have to read even one of your postings to know that 1. I admire you because you can knit, and 2. I've found that anyone who loves kitties is a sweet, generous, loving person, so you had to be an alright kind of gal.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing! It makes me feel "normal" to know I am not alone in these horrible experiences. However, these experiences have created the person I am today. I am no longer angry they happened but like you it has taught me a lot of lessons. Life is too short to be mean. Lets just all respect and love :) Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart.
ReplyDeleteHello Pat,
ReplyDeletewhat a wonderful post! I think many of us have had similar experiences, especially the more sensible ones.
I've met many lovely people in blogland too which are better friends to me than many of the people around here. That's why I hardly socialise any more. Being nice and pleasant, and tyring to being there always for everyone (and getting nothing in return) eventually made me ill.
Thus there cannot be anything wrong with taking care of oneself!
Have a nice weekend,
Marjan
You have written from the heart and explained how you feel because of some hurtful experiences in the past. I'm sure you've helped those who read what you have to say on this topic. Being sensitive to the feelings of others whatever their perspectives on life is important. I also think that we have to try to understand why people think and act the way they do. We can have high hopes and expectations of other people's actions and attitudes, but we're all human with failings at times. I too would withdraw if I were hurt, but as you say the mental scars are still there for you and safeguarding your heart and doing what you feel is best for you is probably a good idea. Life is too short and your last sentence about kindness is an important point. Sorry my interaction with you has not been as often as I would have liked due to irregular blogging at the moment. Have a good week.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your 5 points. The older we get, the less we need to deal with other people's crap. If we know we've done nothing wrong, then obviously the problem is with them and not us. One thing I'm working on is not having expectations of others because I always find myself being let down. I just have to do what feels right to me, and as you said, be kind in all ways to all people. I certainly don't understand the need to be hateful to anyone.
ReplyDeleteI like your list Pat...my feelings get hurt easily too. What happened to "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"?
ReplyDeleteHello,Pat.
ReplyDeleteI liked to read your post, I am an English leaner and it is not to easy for me to read English fast though! I agree with your 5 lists, especially I like 1,2,3.You have a good adviser,(your daughter!). I am pleased to hear that you have ever been to Kyoto. My area,Nara is very closed to Kyoto, and the oldest beautiful ancient city in Japan. I hope you won't miss Nara if you have a chance to visit Japan again.
Have a happy day!
Hi Pat, I can relate. I am a sensitive person, too, and being an introvert, it is hard for me to assert myself when someone is being unkind to me. I volunteered in PTA when my children were young and came up against a group of ladies who loved to gossip and 'shun' anyone who didn't join in. I was new to this area and was trying to make friends, but they weren't welcoming or kind. I had to make the best of it because I was committed to being vice president, and also, I truly wanted to help the children. I learned a lot about how petty people can be and decided that I would never be like them, although it was painful to be treated so badly. I would rather be alone than with anyone so small-minded. Grown women acting like children. Who needs that? Your list is wonderful. I've found so many kindred spirits through blogging. It has redeemed my faith in mankind. Take care, my friend. Hugs xo Karen
ReplyDeleteI am shocked this would happen in church Pat. I don't think it sounds harsh at all. Lots of love to you xx
ReplyDeleteI commiserate with you and all you wrote in your post except one thing. Maybe the person you don't want to waste time chitty-chatting with is the one person who really needs it the most. Maybe they've been rejected repeatedly and this is their last attempt to reach out. I may have misunderstood what you meant, but wanted to reach out in case you might miss a chance to help someone else in the situation you wrote about.
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